


Beware the Kraken, and Mermaids Buying Shoes

by searchingwardrobes



Series: Shopping with the Captain [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Captain Charming - Freeform, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Shopping, bargain hunting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:07:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searchingwardrobes/pseuds/searchingwardrobes
Summary: Alliances, petty tricks, and threats of violence. A threat of war between two kingdoms? No, it's the annual Storybrooke Kid's Consignment Sale, and somehow Killian and David have been roped into going as "police presence." Little do they know what they've signed up for.A Captain Charming installment in my Shopping with the Captain series, just in time for Easter. Can be read on its own.





	

**Author's Note:**

> * This story has been tumbling around my head for quite some time, and I wanted to get it posted before Easter weekend, another big shopping time of year!  
> * I know in canon, Jasmine and Alladin settled down in Agrabah while Ariel and Eric are living happily on Hangman's Island. But in this story, everyone lives in Storybrooke. I figure now that they've had a taste of indoor plumbing and Netflix, they could easily be lured back to this realm : )  
> * I hope this story isn't too regional. As many of you know, I'm a Georgia gal, but hopefully women going crazy over gently used brand name kids clothes isn't a strictly Southern phenomenon. Then again, it could be. I know we get a little over board when dressing up our kids. So if it does smack of small town South, I apologize.

              Most of the other men in Storybrooke are on babysitting duty tonight; a chore that Killian would gladly take over what he’s doing now. Standing in line in forty degree weather with a bunch of women. Extremely eager women. Eager for deals, that is.

              At least David has been roped into this assignment with him. Not that he hadn’t tried to get out of it, claiming that Storybrooke needed one law enforcement officer on patrol. But Emma had pointed out that the entirety of Storybrooke would either be shopping or babysitting, and besides, they would have both their phones on them. When David tried to argue that a town children’s consignment sale would be the perfect opportunity for a villain to come through a portal, Emma had rolled her eyes and scoffed that no such thing had happened in almost ten years. Not to mention that in the Storybrooke police department, Emma Swan almost always got her way. Okay, she _always_ got her way.

              So here he and David are, standing with their wives in a long line that snakes around the all-purpose room of the convent, a bloody hour before the doors open. And they have been standing here an hour already. Yet they are still several yards away from the door. The women at the very front have apparently been here all day. They have camping chairs and coolers. According to Emma and her mother, the best items get snatched up quickly, so a good spot in line is key. Killian is a little worried that opening those doors will be like opening the gates for an angry herd of bulls.

              “Ugh,” Emma complains, stamping her feet, “why is it always freezing the day of this thing? It was nice yesterday.”

              “You’re right,” Killian agrees, “the kids were playing on the front lawn before dinner. It was, what? 58 degrees?”

              Emma responds by scowling at him, “How is it you never look cold in that thin jacket, yet in Neverland you wore that heavy pirate’s duster and never seemed hot?”

              Killian shrugs and gives her a cocky grin, “What can I say? I’m adaptable.”

              “And warm,” Emma murmurs, stepping closer to snake her arms around Killian’s waist.

              “Ooh, I like that idea,” Snow says with a grin, following Emma’s example and snuggling into David’s embrace. He and Killian exchange a look over the top of the women’s heads that Emma has dubbed their “Aw, yeaaahhh” look. Whatever that means.

              “You know,” David says as he rubs his wife’s arms, “I don’t think Killian and I are even needed here in a police capacity. I think you just wanted us here to hold your bags and part the crowds for you.”

              Emma gasps and lifts her head indignantly from Killian’s shoulder, “Dad, that is _not_ true! The nuns asked!”

              “And whose fault is that, Swan?”

              Emma pulls away from Killian with an irritated little shove. She crosses her arms across her chest. “We’ve been over this, Killian! It was a misunderstanding!”

              Killian arches a brow, “So you _didn’t_ get into a fight with Ariel over a pair of shoes?”

              “ _Fight_ is a slight exaggeration. She lost her balance, that’s all.”

              “Because you were in a tug of war over a pair of – what were they? – sandals?”

              “They were stride rites, Killian! For twelve bucks!”

              Killian’s forehead crinkles in confusion, “And that’s supposed to mean something to me?”

              Emma throws up her hands in frustration and turns to her mother for back up. “They still had the tags on them, mom!”

              Snow’s eyes widen and she nods in understanding. Emma points to the look on her Mother’s face and gives Killian a satisfied smile, “See!” Killian just shakes his head and exchanges an eye-roll with David.

              “In Emma’s defense,” Snow says, threading her arm through her daughter’s, “there was also some shoplifting at the last sale in the fall. The convent lost money that’s supposed to go to a good cause.”

              Snow raises both the pitch of her voice and her eyebrows on those final few words, and Killian has a sudden long-dormant urge to bow. At any rate, he and David deflate their posturing.

              “Hey, there’s Tink!” Emma says as she tugs on Killian’s hook to pull his arms back around her. Snow waves.

              Tink greets them with a grin and hello that is almost drowned out by the grumbling and protests from those in line behind them. Tink turns to shout at them, “I’m not cutting, I’m just visiting! Don’t get your panties in a wad!”

              Tink rolls her eyes as she turns back to Emma and Snow. “So,” the blonde pixie asks with a jut of her chin towards a group of women just behind the camping chairs, “did you hear that the princess alliance is still a go?”

              Emma groans and Snow purses her lips as she looks over at the women Tink is referring to. “Yes,” she fumes, “and they _still_ didn’t ask me to join them. Snow White is the _original_ Disney princess! Why was I not invited? I thought Ashley and I were friends. And Ariel! I almost became a fish trying to help her!”

              David glances at Killian with a look of confusion, “An alliance?”

              Emma sighs and Killian can feel her eyes roll against the side of his neck where she’s snuggled to get warm, “Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, and Jasmine formed an alliance last year to get their hands on the most stuff. They divided and conquered. It was totally unfair. That’s part of the reason the two of you are here.”

              “That’s right, Hook,” Tink says, punching him in the shoulder, “keep them in line. The grab and dump is against the rules this year.”

              “That’s right,” Snow pipes up, “they sent out an email about it. David, you’ve got to watch out for that.”

“Grab and dump?” Killian asks, exchanging a frustrated look with David.

“Like this,” Tink explains, reaching her tiny arms out as wide as she can, “they come up to a section of clothes and grab,” she moves her arms in a hugging motion, “then dump them in their bags.”

“’Without even looking at them?” Killian may not know much about this realm, but he’s already learned that is _not_ the way women typically shop.

“Yeah,” Emma says stepping away from his embrace, “then they sit in a circle and go through their haul together. Like, Jasmine will hold up something and say, _Boys romper size 2T_ , and Ariel will go, _Oh, that’s perfect for Percy, I’ll take that!_ Then Aurora will say, _Girls sundress, size 18 months_ and Jasmine will go _Oh, I want that for Aliyah!_ And so on and so forth.”

“Not only do they hog all the clothes before any of the rest of us can even see them, their little pow wow circle blocks the way to the ride-on toys and bikes,” Snow adds, as if the entire thing is the most insidious thing in the world.

“Who says they’re the only ones who can form an alliance?” Emma says with a sly grin.

Tink’s eyes light up, “Ooh! That’s a great idea! I like it!”

“But I thought you just said –“

David is cut off by his wife, “Oh, we’ll behave, sweetie, don’t worry. I can do the boy’s section, Emma can take shoes, and Tink can do the girl’s section.”

Tink nods, but Killian can tell his wife is thinking. “We really should have someone to cover swimwear and outerwear,” Emma finally says, “Those get picked over really fast.”

Tink bounces on the balls of her feet and grabs Emma by the arm. “What about Belle?,” she squeals, pointing.

Emma smiles in agreement, then calls out, “Hey, Belle!” She motions the brunette over despite the continued angry shouts from the line behind them.

“She’s not cutting!” Tink snaps

“Wow,” Belle chuckles as she gets closer, “people are really serious about this thing. Will told me he saw a line forming two hours ago on his way home from work, but I didn’t believe him!”

“You’ve never come to this before?” Snow asks.

“No,” Belle explains with a shake of her head that seems a little sad, “when Judah was born, I still had all the baby things I never used with Gideon.” Her sadness is quickly replaced by a happy smile as she moves her hand across her greatly swollen abdomen, “But now with baby Eden on the way, I need girl clothes.”

Tink grabs Belle’s hands, “Would you like to join our alliance?”

Belle’s eyes light up as she looks at each of the other three women in turn. “Really? That would be wonderful! I mean, I have to admit, I was a little hurt at not being asked to form the _princess_ alliance. I mean, who do they think they are? Maybe I used to be married to the Dark One, but I ask you. Who is the most popular Disney princess, huh? Who had her own live action musical? Jasmine? Aurora? I think not.”

Snow gives Belle a high five after her tirade, and Killian and David once again exchange glances. This time nervous ones. Emma had given them the list of infractions to be on the look out for earlier at the sheriff’s station. No running, no shoving, no elbowing your way down aisles, no throwing, and no grabbing items from others. In addition to the obvious: no shoplifting. They also had to throw out any mothers caught using strollers as shopping carts. Killian never in a million years thought he would have to check strollers to be sure they contained actual babies. And now add the grabbing and dumping thing to the list.

Are these really women coming to shop? Or are they furies looking for souls to haul to the underworld?

              ***************************************************

Even though he and David are official law enforcement at the sale, they had also been told in no uncertain terms by Emma and Snow that they would be needed to assist their wives. Emma claimed it was so they could be “undercover.” Killian wasn’t buying it. Not that he could argue. With his Swan or with Snow White. He was a survivor for a reason.

So when the nuns open the doors to start the sale, he is immediately hauled along with the rabid throng by Emma who keeps an iron grip on his hook. They head straight for the shoes, which Killian has to confess he approaches with great trepidation. The footwear is displayed on metal book cases in the far corner of the room with gender and sizes posted at the end of each aisle. Women rush to the book cases as if their lives depend on it, and each aisle is already clogged with women sorting frantically through plastic baggies of gently used shoes. Emma yanks him into the packed aisle of girl’s shoes, toddler size 10. Immediately, Killian is smacked in the head by a pair of shoes.

“Ow, watch it!” he cries, only to be immediately nailed by a second pair.

Killian turns around to see a redhead with her back to him, tossing unwanted pairs of shoes heedlessly over her shoulders as she sorts through them. Killian dodges a pair of butterfly rain boots, then blocks a pair of flip flops with his upper arm.

“Ariel!” he barks, dodging a pair of sparkly dress shoes stamped with Queen Elsa’s face, “Ariel!”

The mermaid jumps and whirls around, and when she sees who’s behind her, she immediately puts on her most innocent smile and doe eyes, “Oh, Killian! I didn’t see you there.”

“You can’t throw shoes, Ariel,” he says calmly.

“Oh,” Ariel says, batting her eyes twice in a way that makes her look naïve and innocent, “I’m not throwing anything. But it’s sooo good of you to be here, looking out for us all.”

Killian steels his expression as he stoops to pick up the rain boots. Refusing to be swayed by her little mermaid lost on land routine, he hands the boots to her and tells her firmly, “And put back the shoes you don’t want on the correct shelf.”

Ariel’s face morphs into one of irritation in two seconds flat, “Okay, okay, pirate,” she tucks the boots under one arm and stoops to pick up the flip flops and _Frozen_ dress shoes. Her hand suddenly rests on a pair of pink strappy sandals, “Ooh, stride rites!”

Another hand clamps on the sandals as Ariel stands, and Killian’s heart stops in his chest as he sees who the hand belongs to – Emma. The blonde and the redhead stare one another down.

“You want these size tens, Ariel?”

Ariel’s eyes flicker to the shoes and then back up to Emma’s face. “Oh, tens. Melody is still in a nine.”

Killian releases a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as Ariel lets go of the shoes and turns back to the size nines with a whip of her red hair. Emma plunks the pink sandals into her giant mesh shopping back and turns to Killian with a huge grin on her face.

“ _Nineteen_ pairs of shoes, Killian!”

Killian blinks and shakes his head, “Oh, for the alliance!”

Emma gives an incredulous laugh, “No, for our kids. Nineteen pairs of shoes for less than fifty bucks, Killian! Can you believe it?”

No, actually, he can’t. He stands there speechless as Emma drapes the handle of the bag over his shoulder with a quick command to “hold this for me.” Nineteen pairs of shoes for three children! For just the spring and summer! When he was a boy, he was lucky to even own _one_ pair of shoes, much less multiple pairs. Of course, he and Emma have already had this conversation on multiple occasions. Emma explained that the kids needed play shoes, sneakers for school, dress shoes, flip flops for casual wear, and sandals for nicer occasions. Then they needed rain boots for the puddles and water shoes for days on and by the sea. And that was just the two boys. For some reason, Briar Rose needed even _more_ shoes. It made his head spin.

Killian comes out of his reverie in time to see Jasmine plowing down the aisle of 2T girl’s clothes. He dashes over awkwardly, the bag of shoes knocking against his hip.

“Your highness,” he gasps, stopping her by the elbow. She turns and flashes him a regal smile, “No elbowing your way down the aisles m’lady.”

“Killian,” she says brightly, “here to watch out for us all! Didn’t I say on _multiple_ occasions that you are a true hero?”

Killian blinks for a moment as she bats her big brown eyes. Bloody hell, he knows the fairer sex has always been his weakness, but do these women actually think he’s this daft? “No elbowing,” Killian says again, firmly, “even you.”

Jasmine’s smile is gone faster than Killian can blink. She pulls her arms to her side in an exaggerated fashion and snaps sarcastically, “Better?”

“Much.”

Jasmine practically glides down the aisle, arms firmly at her side, head held regally. Killian rolls his eyes and turns around. What he sees next almost has him face-palming. “Tink!” he barks “I thought grabbing and dumping wasn’t allowed!”

Tink freezes, and the sight of her practically hugging several girl’s dresses is almost comical, “Oh Killian,” she purrs in a sickly sweet voice, “I’m _just_ a pixie! I can barely reach the hangers. Is this really grabbing?”

Surely Tink of all people knows him better than this! He cocks his head to the side and gives her an incredulous look.

She sighs and drops her arms, “Fine.”

Emma dashes up behind him and pauses to give him a peck on the cheek, “Hey, Tink! Come check out these shoes. I think little Rose will love these sandals I found. You said she’s into butterflies, right?”

Tink eagerly sorts through the bag of shoes at Emma’s feet. Snow comes up with David at her side. The look he gives Killian tells him that his father-in-law is having just as much trouble reigning the women in as he is. Snow holds up a sky blue romper with bunny rabbits embroidered along the white peter pan collar.

“Is this not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen!” Snow gushes, dimples forming on both cheeks.

“Oh!” Emma coos, fingering the light fabric.

“NO!” Killian and David both say simultaneously.

The women give both of them a look as if they’ve gone completely insane.

“But it’s adorable!” Snow protests.

“Ian would look so cute in it!” adds Emma.

“I told you, sweetheart,” David says with a firm shake of his head, “no rompers for the boys once they turn three. It looks ridiculous!”

“I’m in agreement with your father, Swan,” Killian adds, “he’d look like a complete git in that!”

Emma raises one eyebrow in defiance, “Princess Kate dresses her son in these all the time.”

“Why should I bloody well care?” Killian snaps, probably a little too loudly. But for all things good in this realm or any other, he’s had it with women assuming he’s a sucker for their charms. Okay, so maybe he is a sucker when it comes to Emma, but by the gods, this is about their son! His manhood is at stake!

“It’s embroidered with bunnies,” Emma pouts.

“I know!”

Emma sighs and drops her hand from the offensive outfit. Her disappointment turns to immediate joy when Tink dangles a dress in front of her. It’s sky blue, also with a white peter pan collar, also embroidered with bunnies.

“They would match . . . “ Emma tries, but at the look on Killian’s face, she gives up. He usually lets Emma dress the kids however she wants, knowing full well it’s more about giving them the childhood she never had than the clothes. With Briar Rose, it’s also about bonding with her mother and allowing Snow to live vicariously through her granddaughter’s childhood. But a man has his limits. “Okay,” Emma relents, “Mom, sorry. I won’t be getting the romper.”

“Well I’ll get it for Leo,” Snow says enthusiastically, dropping it into her shopping bag.

David makes a sound deep in his throat and crosses his arms across his chest. “He’s already named Leopold, Snow. Don’t make the boy go out in public with bunnies embroidered across his chest.”

Killian holds back a chuckle. David has gotten a lot of mileage out of that name, and it never ceases to impress him. Snow slumps her shoulders, but replaces the romper back on the rack. She absolutely pouts when Aurora snatches it up. Killian glances at David and knows he’s wondering the same thing. What’s poor Prince Phillip going to say when he sees his youngest son in a bunny outfit?

Killian’s phone starts ringing in his pocket, and he answers it as the women meet up with Belle to share their finds. He frowns when he sees Henry’s name on the little screen. He’s supposed to be holed up in his office at home working on his latest bestseller while his wife enjoys the sale.

“Henry, everything okay?”

“Dad, I thought you and grandpa were patrolling the sale?”

“We are, lad. Why?”

“Well, you better go find Grace. She just called me, and it sounds like she and Violet are about to come to blows over some baby . . . thing.”

Killian almost asks if it’s really about something at the sale, but holds his tongue. The past drama between Henry, his wife, and his ex was volatile, to say the least. But now was probably not the best time to bring that up. Almost as soon as Killian ends the call, he hears a commotion from the other end of the room. Emma instinctually glances up and catches his eye. She joins Killian and her father as they race towards the section where baby gear is sold. They find Henry’s wife, Grace, and Violet in a screaming match over a baby hammock.

“I had this fair and square,” Violet screams, “of course, that’s never mattered to you!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean! You were supposed to be my best friend, then you turn around and steal my boyfriend!”

“You had broken up!”

“We were on a break!”

“Bitch!”

“Slut!”

Emma bolts to grab Grace as she lunges towards Violet. Violet’s husband dashes around the corner in time to hold back his wife.

“Okay, ladies,” Emma asks calmly, “what’s going on here?”

“I found this baby hammock,” Violet explains, her voice still high-pitched, “so my husband goes to pull the car around. And then SHE steals it!”

“The tag was still on it!” Grace shouts.

“I had to go to the bathroom!” Violet screams in return. “Hello! Nine months pregnant?”

The rules of the sale clearly state that the tag must be torn off big ticket items and then paid for before removed from the sale floor. The rules are clearly in Grace’s favor, but it’s tricky since she’s married to the sheriff’s son. Violet will feel that it’s favoritism.

Emma, however, gives a soft laugh. “Grace, honey, I have one of these in the attic at home. I showed it to Henry the other day and told him you could have it.”

“Why didn’t he tell me that?”

Emma laughs again, “He probably has no idea what it is.”

Grace manages a soft laugh too, but her face turns a bright shade of red as she sees the large crowd that has gathered. Storybrooke gossip means that everyone knows the details of both women’s past with Henry, which probably doesn’t help Grace’s embarrassment. Emma steps between the two of them and extends her hands.

“Girls,” she says, “don’t you think it’s time you put the past behind you? Your babies are going to be close in age, and this is a small town. They will be in the same class at school, at all the same birthday parties. And weren’t you friends once?”

Violet ducks her head, then says softly to Grace, “Yeah, you were a great friend. You really helped me adjust to everything in Storybrooke.”

Grace smiles too, “Yes, we had a lot of fun, didn’t we?” She bites her lower lip hesitantly before continuing, “I’m truly sorry for hurting you all those years ago. Can you forgive me?”

“Henry and I really weren’t right for each other anymore, and now I have d’Artagnan. He’s my true love.” Violet looks back at her husband with a tender smile.

“Friends?” Grace asks, extending her hand.

“Friends,” Violet agrees, but pulls the other young woman into a hug instead of taking her offered hand.

The entire crowd of shoppers clap and cheer, and Emma takes Violet up to the checkout line with ticket in hand to pay for the baby hammock. David helps d’Artagnan load the item into the back of the couple’s SUV.

Killian sighs and turns back to scan the rest of the room. And heaves a huge sigh.

Belle is grabbing and dumping.

“Killian,” she says sweetly as she lets go of the items and moves to grab and dump again.

Who is he kidding? The women of this town have him pegged.

              *******************************************************

Emma is driving their minivan to Regina’s so they can pick up the kids. She and Snow are chatting happily about the huge haul that fills the back of the van, exulting over how much money they saved. David and Killian are slouched in the back seat, thoroughly exhausted. If Killian had no dignity, he would lie down across the seat. He’s so drained, he wouldn’t even care if part of him ended up in David’s lap. But he does have dignity, so he refrains. But neither of the two men are above loud groans of fatigue.

“Overdramatic much?” Emma laughs.

“Please, you two,” Snow groans as she turns to make a face at them. “You’ve faced dragons and kraken. Was this really so bad?”

The men answer simultaneously.

“I’ll take the dragon.”

“I’ll take the kraken.”


End file.
